Fun with HR

Fun with HR

New HR Boss
Human Resources: Distribution: ALL STAFF Tuesday Jan 3rd.
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada trainers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
HOLIDAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The holidays are as follows: January 1 & December 25

TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘ A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘ B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the ‘ trap’ door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘ Chronic Offenders’ category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Hilarious Human Resources Course
A Funny and Alternative Slant on Management
1. Place 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Analyse the situation you find:-
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Footnote:
Funny HR item kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Funny Language “HR Speak”
Human Resources Use Funny Expressions
“Competitive salary” = We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“Must be deadline oriented” = You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“Some overtime required” = Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“Must have an eye for detail” = We have no quality control.
“Career minded” = Female Applicants must be childless and remain that way.
“No phone calls please” = We’ve filled the job; our call for résumés is just a legal formality.
“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience” = You will, in fact, be replacing three people who have just left.
“Problem solving skills a must” = You’re walking into a company which is in perpetual chaos.
“Requires team leadership skills” = You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay nor the respect.
“Good communication skills” = Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

SOURCE: Guysports.com

 

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_human_resources.htm

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